Reality Check

I have been absent from this blog for a while. Many have asked for updates regarding where we are at with our plans to grow our family. I have not gone into too much depth with most people, but thought I would elaborate on things here. Not just to get the word out, but also to help me sort through and process many of the thoughts and emotions I've been experiencing.

Those who know us know that our unique lifestyle in the military is one that involves many sacrifices, being flexible, and, often times, doing things you don't necessarily want to do. Does it suck at times? Yes. Do I have a choice? Not really. But, I realize that this is our reality. This is our life. This is what we both signed up for. I hold on to the hope and reasoning that says "everything happens for a reason" and "the universe tends to unfold as it should." That helps me maintain a level of sanity.

One thing that almost everyone understands -- whether they are civilians or military families themselves -- is the fact that we move quite frequently. This can be seen in a few ways. On one hand, it's an exciting and adventurous opportunity to experience life in interesting places and you get to meet so many different friends and people. On the other hand, particularly when it comes to forming a family through adoption or other means, it's a pain in the @$$. To plan things around such an unpredictable and ever changing life is tricky to say the least. Particularly when you need to shell out thousands of dollars for home studies, paperwork, or even medical procedures, etc.

The bottom line is that the Husband has informed me that it would probably be best if we held off pursuing anything full-force until we move to our next assignment/base. This is due largely to the uncertainty of when this move will occur. We were originally expecting to be out of here by the end of 2010. However, a bit over six months ago, we were informed that we should expect to remain here for possibly another year on top of that -- which would be roughly late 2011! The later date would have been convenient if we were to expect a relatively smooth and average adoption timeline. But, there's no guarantee there. A number of our friends who were also informed that they should expect to remain here til 2011 have recently discovered that they will be moving in the middle of 2010! Which, as you can imagine, confuses the heck out of us and makes us very uneasy about pursuing an adoption at this point in time. To do so, would be reckless and irresponsible on our part -- not just for our finances and stress levels, but also to our future children, who need us to be 100% focused on them and their transitioning into our new family life.

The new plan has been to do all of our research and pre-game planning here and probably wait until we get to our next assignment and really hit the ground running! That way, we'd have the time and flexibility that would increase the likelihood that we will have time and stability to help our child(ren) in their transition. See, we started exploring our options at the end of 2008 and really started looking into adoption in 2009, roughly a year to year and a half into our time here at our current base. Considering the expected wait times and general timelines that others have had, it would not be wise for us to proceed at this point.

Another consideration of this "reality check" involves the aspect of strategy and how it relates to the decisions we make in the next year or so. My husband is at a critical point in his career that requires him to be extremely flexible and devoted to his career to ensure his competitiveness amongst his peers as he moves on to the next couple of promotions. Sure, it's HIS career, but it's a career that really does involve the entire family's lives. Not only do I need him to be stable and successful in his job to provide a comfortable and healthy life for the family, but I need him to be stable, comfortable, and healthy enough to be a good father and supportive partner. It really IS *OUR* life. We are in this together. I knew what I was getting myself into when I met him and have been mindful of this as we progressed through each stage of our life TOGETHER. We will get through this stage of our life even stronger!

On a positive note, the blessing in all of this is that I have been given more time to interact with more adoptive families who've been down this path before and have been able to gain more advice from all of my friends who are parents already! I have always been a meticulous researcher in everything that I do, so this is right up my alley. I can't say that I will have everything figured out when the big day comes, but believe you me, I am going to be verrrrry well-prepared!

Our lives are so freaking hectic and busy right now. I know that this is just how it is and how it's going to be for a little while. I understand the reasons why. I accept them. But, I am an impatient person. Yes, I know I need to work on this. I am. I really have come a long way, baby! HEHE I think we are both at a point where we are looking forward to a time when we can reasonably settle down and fully embrace this next chapter in our lives.

Reality isn't always a fun thing to come to terms with, but I remain hopeful and dedicated. My eyes are focused on the big picture and I will not be discouraged. I will strive not to see this as a set-back, but rather an opportunity to get even more prepared for our future children.

Finances

One aspect of adoption that a lot of people don't go too far into depth about is the overwhelming costs.  Having children, in general, is expensive.  But, when a couple decides to grow their family through adoption, it is unbelievably costly.  We are quite fortunate that my husband's job in the military qualifies us for a couple programs to help defray some of the costs, but it's almost laughable.  My heart goes out to those families who have to pay for the entire cost of adoption on their own.  My rant today focuses mostly on our situation as a military couple trying to adopt.

What frustrates me so much is that the military will pay for almost 100% of the costs of having a biological child.  Which is fantastic!  BUT, and here's the big but, they do not cover any costs for fertility assistance to couples who are having difficulty conceiving and still trying to have biological children.  Sure, it's a good medical program, but they do not cover the "extras" that a good portion of families out there need help with.  Additionally, the military contributes a measly $2,500 per child in reimbursement to active duty personnel AFTER your adoption is FINALIZED.  The additional kicker is that they will only pay up to $3,500 if a family hopes to adopt multiple children.  TOTAL.  That's it!  Even domestic adoptions cost way more than that!  So, if a family is expected to pay upwards of $100,000 towards adopting two children, the military will contribute no more than $3,500 or 3.5% -- outrageous!  Yet the military will pay 100% of all costs for a family who has biological children.... so if you want to have 10 bio kids, then great for you because the military will be happy to fork over 100% of your costs!

The military also has some ridiculous FREE "medical" programs out there right now.  For instance, for active duty women who desire to have breast augmentations, the military has a program for you!  Yes, the military will gladly pay for a boob job for a woman in the military if it is deemed that it is necessary for her "morale" -- are you kidding me?!!!  Yet, if that same woman wanted to adopt children, she's SOL.  Talk about priorities here!  And, yes, there are also tax credits that we can qualify for, but, really....  Tax credits?  Tax credits don't mean much to a waiting child in an orphanage who just needs a loving home and family!  

Granted, we are very fortunate and, in no means, am I trying to bash our government or military.  I am merely venting my frustration at the inequalities that exists in OUR world as a military family.  I am very blessed that our health care insurance and medical will be very supportive of our family and our needs once everything is finalized, but the road to get there is not going to be easy.

Had  I known that this was going to be our path, I would've started saving my pennies and loose change years ago!  Like many adoptive families, we are not millionaires.  We are comfortable, but not wealthy by any means.  Do I wish we had a nice $50,000 - $100,000 to burn?  You betcha!  I am determined.  It just means John and I need to get creative.  I was sitting here the other day brainstorming ideas on how we could raise some money without totally draining ourselves or putting ourselves dangerously in debt and I had flashbacks to my childhood.  I remembered going door-to-door selling candies, cookies, and other random things and also having my extended family members assist me in fundraising!  I think I always did pretty well (though, I think my mom bought a good bunch of the stuff, too!) but I don't think what I raised back in the day would even put a dent in what we need to make this happen.  It's daunting to say the least, but I am determined.

What's a Hapa Keiki?

In the Hawaiian culture, the word "keiki" means child or children.  The word "hapa" has several meanings.  It is a term that describes someone of a mixed cultural heritage and was historically applied to individuals of part caucasian descent.  Hapa also means "half" or "a part of something" when translated.  This word applies to our family and our future children in a number of different ways.

Yes, we hope to adopt children that are of a multi-ethnic background, particularly Asian and Caucasian.  Thus, our children would be hapa babies!  But, on a deeper level, however, we hope that our children see themselves as hapa in terms of their cultural identification.  Being Americans, we plan to instill in our children love, honor, and respect for our wonderful country.  We also want our children to know their roots - to understand that they are special, to know their country of birth, to understand & perpetuate their cultural heritage as best as reasonably possible, and to be proud of their uniqueness.  In our case, we would want our children to identify as both American AND Kazakh.

Adopted children enter our lives through love & determination.  Yet even after they are "ours" they are not COMPLETELY ours.  They will forever have a part of them that belongs to their birth parents.  It is simply reality that their hearts & minds will someday wonder about the circumstances of their birth and why they were given up for adoption.  No matter what we do as parents to help ease this for them, this will undoubtedly -- be it in a small or big way -- be a part of our children's reality.  I am okay with this.  I understand this.  I respect this.  I plan to be there to do whatever it takes to help them get through this very sensitive aspect of adoption.

Why Kazakhstan?

When people learn of our desire to adopt, we get a lot of questions - some nice, some rude, some awkward/random - and, without a doubt, the topic that seems to generate the most curiosity (maybe even controversy) is the matter of us wanting to adopt from Kazakhstan.  "Why Kazakhstan?!" is the general response.

I respond to this question in various ways, depending mainly on the person inquiring and how well I know them.  There are many reasons, really.  But here are a few big ones:

-I'm multi-ethnic (mix of Asian, Hawaiian, & caucasian).  John is caucasian.

-We would prefer a child that can relate to us on a deep level as well as physically.

-Kazakhstan is a VERY culturally diverse country; mostly Eurasian in ethnic background.

-The Kazakh people are beautiful and their culture is intriguing.

-Kazakhstan's adoption program is regarded as relatively reliable with shorter wait times.

-Orphanages & medical care in Kazakhstan are considerably better than most internationally.

-Kazakh orphans are generally in good health & are often better-cared for.

-The network of adoptive Kazakhstan families in the US seems close-knit & supportive.

And, then, this begs the follow-up question of "why not just adopt here in the US?"  Well, we are open to adopting in the US, but there are many reasons why adopting domestically wouldn't be as desirable or affordable as most think.  Reasons why:

-We would prefer children of Asian & Caucasian mix.

-It is RARE to find Asian-Caucasian mixed children to adopt in the US.

-The more picky you are in the US, the longer your wait time.

-While less expensive in general, all the domestic adoption fees do add up!

-If we do a private adoption, most birth families expect the adoptive parents to pay for medical and doctors visits during pregnancy, rent, maternity clothing, food, random living expenses, possibly personal financial compensation, and all the hospital bills.  Even after all of this, the birth family can still change their mind and we would be SOL.

-It's risky to pay all this money, with no guarantees & unknown wait times.

-There's almost as many requirements to adopt domestically as internationally.

-The possibility of direct influence/interference by birth family on our child in the future really scares me.

I don't think we are closed-off about adopting domestically or from another country.  But, we are definitely focusing on Kaz adoption because it meets almost all of what we are looking for in our adoption experience.  Adoption is a special journey that very few are able to take part in.  It is one that should not be taken lightly or rushed into.  We consider ourselves to be smart, thoughtful, reasonable people and this is the program that, after much analysis, fits us and our life goals.  So, that's why! :)

The Journey Begins

I'm starting this blog to chronicle our journey towards growing our family through adoption.  We are at the very beginning of this adventure -- learning as much as we can about adoption (both domestically and internationally); starting the process of picking an agency; and most importantly, we are trying to figure out the finances to make it all happen.  We have a long road ahead of us and hope that you will join us on what is sure to be one heck of a ride!

We are so fortunate to have you - our wonderful family, friends, and supporters - to help us and encourage us through this new chapter in our lives.  This journey will be one filled with challenges and milestones.  And I believe in my heart that it is meant to be!

No matter how hard things may get, no matter how many tests we may face, I can promise you -- our future babies -- that I will NOT give up!  I have never felt so strongly about something as I do about finding you!  While I don't know where you are and I cannot see your face... I know you're out there!  I know that one day we will be together!  Words cannot express how much love I have for you in my heart already.  Today is the day that we begin our journey to find you! :)